because of you Allah

 assalamu'alaikum, alhamdulillah 'ala kullihal. my emotion has not been stable lately, for the love of my heart just left me and be with someone else. there are days that i felt, like this reality is a dream, a nightmare. When i woke up from sleep in the morning, the morning i was so afraid because i just dream about her leaving me. a second later, i realize that is not a dream. then i began to notice, my life suddenly improves little by little and i feel much more alive compared to when i am with her. Then i start to notice the wrong thing i have been doing with her lately, and before things get any worse Allah separate me and her. at first i felt resentment towards Allah, at the same time i was so desperate to get her back. there is this feeling as if i will get alone in this world, as if she is the only pne for me. i made a lot of doa, a doa more sincere than the doa that i ever did. desperation really makes us close to Allah, as in total desperation we know no one can help us except Allah. i continously made doa while resenting Allah at the same time, but i feel at ease begging Him anything that i want. for a long time, the resentment turns to grateful. it really feels like Allah snatched me from her forcefully to save me and make me closer to Him. I am at the edge of doing something aweful, and he forced me away from doing that. Ya Allah, why you did this to me? what goodness have i done to deserve such mercy, to deserve such a special treatment. it really felt like Allah had favoured me. but then, now i know, and understand more why. because even when i am so far away from Him, there are part of me that really2 wanted to be closer to Him. That little effort of me wanting to get closer to Him, make Him getting Closer to me more than the effort that i put in the first place. thats what save me.. and now i am in love again. but surely this time is different. i have been with her for so long as school mates, yet i never met her. i only know she is kind. When i get to know her, i remembered her as being beautiful but i am too shy to look at her and never glance again, if i did meet her i never look at her properly after that. i know she is religious. we did keep in touch with each other in the IIUM, but very limited to important things and I don't think i have feelings for her at all. recently after the heart crushing episode i texted her more than before. and she sid reply nicely, for soo many weeks until i realize she no longer text me a very long reply. and today she asked me not to text her anymore, she said she wants to keep her heart pure, she was very sorry for replying my text before she said it was a mistake. probably the only guy she ever text was me. there is a bit of feeling involve, and she wants to keep her heart pure and do not want to involve in such matters anymore. Ya Allah i never love her more than i love her today. this love is not that of lust, but of that love because of Allah. somehow i perceived her as a gem and as a leverage for me to go to jannah. Ya Allah, can u imagine? she surely have some feelings for me, but she choose Allah and have faith in Him! I can't even remember her face, or any of her appearances. i am so happy despite the fact that she do not want to text me

 anymore.If she is not my jodoh, its okay but i really really do hope i meet the person who would act the same way she did. oh, btw, before all this happen i make a doa to give me a sign if she is my jodoh or not, or if i shud persue her or not. i think this is a reply from Allah as a yes. i feel secure and confident to make her my wife. 3 months more to go, and i will go meet her parents after i complete my 3rd year in medical school. hopefully, Allah will keep her for me. If not, alhamdulillah 'ala kullihal.